So I just ended my last paper yesterday (last year last semester last paper, if and only if I able to pass every paper for this semester) and I am overwhelmed with so many feelings, I need to pen down all these thoughts to help organizing my train of thoughts. (Although I should be packing my room now)
I basically spent first 9 hours after my last paper sleeping, the feeling sinks in later on and with no prior signals it actually escalated to be a full meltdown. Sounds damn dramatic but I really spent a couple hours to just cry and comfort myself, cry and comfort, and repeat until I fell asleep again. I am feeling a lot more better waking up today, no worries.
No, it's not because I graduated and I meltdown, but undoubtedly, it's a trigger point. And no, like I said, there is no prior signal or anything that led to this. I prefer to believe that it is a mixture of everything. Hence, it is quite messy and it became quite overwhelming. I wish that after writing this "essay" it will make me feel a lot better.
3.5 years at a place and you are leaving knowing that you won't be back, it is not easy for a person like me with separation anxiety. I just can't deal with separation easily. I can deal with changes but it will still take me a bit of efforts and times. And I do think there are a few of reasons for this meltdown.
1. Separation Anxiety
Knowing that I won't be back, will not be having the exact lifestyle that I used to the past 3 years plus, it doesn't make this separation any easier. And worst thing is I chose to withdraw from hall by next Monday, which is near to mad rush for me. It's a harsh reality that reminding me I am done with school. No more gathering with the bunch, a lot more difficult to meet with super busy friends and those who I worked closely together before. And I don't even know when will be the next time I will be meeting them :( A sudden salute to those who immigrate to other countries! But I do appreciate the fact that I am heading home soon!
Especially this bunch :(
No more fun events like this :(
I took this from my room!
2. Personal Space & Personal Time
So what I enjoyed the most for these days in university is basically I can decide what I want to do, what I need to do and etc. And I had half of year basically just spending life with myself (I am in a lonely single room) but I enjoyed all these times to the bit! Knowing that coming future won't really allow me to have these much of personal time and space, it made me feeling a bit uneasy.
Now praying that I can get a job that is flexible enough for me and please don't invade my personal time! But well, I am going off for a month of travelling soon. Since it gonna be solo trip almost half of the time, I wish that it will made a smoother transit. Keep finger crossed!
Thank you Mr Husband for accompanying me through all the difficult time :)
3. Identity Crisis
Things got serious here. Yes, I am in big personal identity crisis currently. I don't know who am I and who I want to be. Before this, I am always in a position that I know what is coming in future for me. It's all planned like I know I am going for form 6, I know I am going for university. But, for now, I don't really know where I am heading to.
I know I want to be entrepreneur and I am looking at social enterprise now. But, what social cause I want to serve? I don't know. I know I need to serve 3 years bond in any Singapore based company, but what I will do in these 3 years? I don't know. Will I be continue to stay in Singapore or I will be going back to Malaysia? As much as I prefer to go home, the rational thing is to finish my 3 years bond here first. But will I? I dont know :(
Since now that I am one adult (You can't avoid this after you are out from school), I always thinking about how can I contribute back to the society. Don't tell me about just care my own business first then only to think about others - this is not me. Got much inspirations from my Sign Language class Prof who is also a Deaf. I asked her about how can I do my part to make this society a better place, but I am still digesting her reply. Though I love her much, but that much of info is still a bit difficult to digest.
I don't know what can I do to make this society a better place. And I don't feel easy for just wasting my time doing nothing all day for long (Which I did in past few months). What happened recently where friends passed away news here and there, it is a big hint for me to do better in life.
In summary, I am now much like a clueless tortoise wants to crawl to where I am supposed to be :(
Not charity, but it is all about empowerment.
4. Looking Back at University Life
This is the main reason for all the tears I believe. This and adding up all the stress mentioned above = Flooding :(
Such period it is meant for looking back of what happened and etc. And put it this way, I wasn't feeling the best for a long period already. Staying in single room is one of my response to deal with this heavy feeling in me - avoid it as much as I can. Not that I want to dwell on something that I can't save anymore (my broken friendships everywhere), but meeting those people, looking at photos of gathering without me, urgghhh, just say it is hard to digest. Especially when those are those very close to heart for once.
Talking about the friendship problem, some just broke like that without reason! WTF. I need a closure, I need to know what happened. If it is just like we can't catch up with each other life and hence growing apart, I have a higher tolerance (though it still hurt like bitch). But, some just chose to stop talking to me one fine day. I know I am not important to you anymore and not that you will care about me, but please, never do it again to anyone else. It is super hurtful and even it happened for like half a year d, never once I can stop thinking that it is not my fault. Blaming myself for a long period just sometimes affect your self esteem too. I want the happy me to come back too, but I NEED TIME.
Thinking back also means reflecting on my failure. I guess, maybe NTU is not the perfect match for me. I kinda force myself through all the semesters and it is well reflected on my result sheet. Never once I can score any worse than what I am having now, yet without feeling much guilty. I DON'T ENJOY STUDYING ANYMORE and this is worrying. Do I not worry about how it going to affect my employment and etc? Yes I do. But now, I worry more about whether I can graduate as I wish or not. And I don't pretty much feeling good reflecting as it just kept reminding of those bad things that happened (ranging for breakup, family and friends passed away, lousy result, broken friendship), basically, I failed my life in these 3 years. Nothing like the me before university.
I guess this is a life test. I much appreciate that I actually can take failure easier recently. But, if I were to choose again, maybe this won't be the best for me. Nothing to regret about, but thinking that this ended at a low note just make me feel more mehhh...
Conclusion
Guess all these kinda conclude how and why I am trapped in such emotions. Anyway, for sure I won't forget that there are still a bunch that love me unconditionally. Thinking on how good these people treat me, it made me cry even louder! I truly appreciate for the opportunities and the trusts given to me. I am forever grateful for those listening ears, those who lent me the shoulders, gave me a hug and the words of encouragement. Without all these people, all the supports and lending hands, I won't be able to make it till today. Those who worried that I might commit suicide, those who worried that I might go into depression and those who want to prevent me to grow even more horizontally, big ❤ to you guys! We will meet again!
Thank you, sorry, for everything :)
